Being A Bad Mother... Morning After Guilt

so this is what REAL guilt feels like. this is the morning after the husband and i had to let the mini muffin "cry it out". yesterday was the first really hot day here in Toronto, and for some reason, none of the usual soothing methods we had devised were settling the baby. not a bath (she screamed through that despite the husband's gentle hands), not eating (although i'm sure she drank about 3 litres of breastmilk over a couple of hours) and not dancing with her in my arms (seriously, i'm getting my cardio - why do i pay for a gym membership????) i was holding her in one arm, frantically Googling for ways to deal with a crying/fussy/colicky baby with the other hand. she'd actually fall asleep in my sweaty arms, but when i went to put her down in her crib, she'd awaken after 5 - 10 minutes, crying. we'd feed her again, change her diaper, cool down her room, rock her - to no avail. i was in tears, feeling exhausted, and useless. she'd look at me with her shiny, luminous eyes, which made me feel even worse. sigh.

finally the husband had to step in after the 15th feeding, her fidgeting and whimpering, and me sobbing. after sending me to bed, he rocked her gently, checked her diaper, kissed her and put her in her crib. he half closed her bedroom door and came into our room, turned on the fans to HIGH, and crawled into bed next to me. of course, i was still crying at that point, feeling like the most awful, horrible mother - thinking, i can't soothe my own baby, i can't do anything, i'm a failure. the husband kept trying to reassure me, which was a lovely gesture on his part, but it still didn't ease the guilt i was feeling! thinking about her, all alone in her crib, envisioning her sweet little face crying...

after 10 minutes, we realized we couldn't hear her anymore. the husband went to check on her and she was lying in the crib, eyes half closed. huh. so, he gently closed the door, and i guess we drifted off to sleep. funny enough, she didn't wake up for 4 hours! the longest she's ever gone without waking up to eat. go figure.

this morning, feeling still guilty, i go into her room to get her, convinced that she hates me for making her cry. and she greets me with a HUGE smile. wow. i guess she doesn't hate me! (yeah, just wait till puberty hits, i'm sure she's saving it up for then!) and i silently said a prayer thanking God for the husband for saving me and the baby. love you both tons xoxoxooxox

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Rockin' And Rollin'!

well, we've had three nights of NO witching hour!!!!!! my next door neighbour, A., came over on Tuesday evening to visit. she and i had talked about her kids' witching hour before, so she knows her stuff! she took the mini-muffin, who had just woken up from a post-feed dozing session and was starting to whimper, turned her over onto her forearm, and started swinging her. a lot harder than i had been doing - but i've been handling the baby quite delicately! (who wants to be the first person to break a baby??? not me!) after some time - with the mini looking at me with a "WTF????" expression on her face and about 5 minutes of full fledged wailing - the baby started to settle down. A. kept swinging her, and the mini stopped crying. she handed the baby back to me, and i cradled her in my arms and started swinging. i started humming the song that her mobile plays, but eventually i got bored of that and put in a CD and sang along. thank goodness the baby doesn't know that her mama has a HORRIBLE singing voice!

so, after about 10 minutes, i realized the baby was dozing in my arms. i kept going, right through her usual "witchy" time, and then fed her. and wouldn't you know it, i was able to pop her right into her crib for the night! yes, my arms felt like they were going to fall off, and my biceps were BURNING, but it was all worth it! no shrieking, no yelling, no using mommy as a pacifier!

the next night, i wasn't sure if it was going to work, but right on schedule, she started to fuss right around 8pm. so, on went the CD and we started swinging and singing. and like a charm, she started to doze. and then right into the crib! it's a miracle!!!!!! who knew that the baby would like the newest tunes by Pink, the Black Eyed Peas and Lady Gaga? (who knew that i would like those tunes? i'm almost ashamed to admit it, LOL!) i even put the husband to sleep during my performance... how lovely is that?

of course i just may jinx myself by telling this story and tonight it won't work!

on an additional happy note, my new refurbished Dell laptop arrived yesterday! i even figured out how to set up our wireless router - even though i'm sure i did something wrong because the connection keeps dropping out periodically. but i'm blogging from the couch with the baby napping beside me! it feels too decadent for words!!!!!

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Is It Love? Or COLIC?

If you can believe it, the mini muffin turned 8 weeks this past Monday and wow, has it been a wild ride for the past couple of weeks! About 2 weeks ago, around 6ish in the evening, she'd start to get really fussy. Wanting to feed all the time, using my boob as a pacifier, squirming around, and just generally fussing. Totally unlike her usual calm, zen self - but after about an hour or so, she'd eventually settle down, feed, and go to sleep.

the husband and i were thinking that maybe she was colicky. but everyone we talked to say that we'd KNOW if she had colic - if we were questioning it, she didn't have it! lots of babies, apparently, have this "witching hour" - believe me, it's WITCHY! it's so hard to hear her crying - which sometimes she just does because nothing seems to be sitting right with her - i've burst into tears right alongside her. sigh! motherhood!!!!! on the up side, we put her crib together on the weekend and she's taken to it like a duck to water. she's also enamored with her mobile! ah, the small things in life!

they say that colic in babies peaks at 6 weeks and drops slowly from there, which, if she does have a touch of colic, i'm so hoping we're on the downward slope. the past 2 weeks must also be a growth spurt because she feeds constantly all day. I used to wonder what that meant. How could a baby feed constantly? well, she does. she totally gives me that lovely little bewitching smile, and of course, how can i resist when i lift up my shirt and she gets soooo excited? i don't think that ANYONE has ever gotten that excited for me to take off my top! to top it all off, the mini also is a puker - i actually ordered some custom made burp cloths and bibs just to make the experience a little more pleasant for me since puking distresses me so much. i just want to do everything that i possibly can to keep this baby happy and content... i know that it's probably impossible, but at least i can try, right? i've gotten some good advice from my etsy pals - thanks, smilemoon and magymai!

in consolation - and probably because the mini doesn't like sitting in the basement with me when i'm online - i bought myself a new laptop and wireless router so that i can surf while breastfeeding. whatever gets you through, right? i'm also awaiting some new sterling silver wire so that i can fire up the torch during nap time and get some new designs in my shop! i've been working with the idea of a clasped set of stacking rings - i've successfully made two sets for customers, but am itching to put another slant on it.

i can't believe she's napped long enough for me to write this long blog post! hmmmm... i wonder what she's dreaming of... probably eating again!

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Cable TV... and Why Do I Pay for It?

the baby's face says it all. business has been slow lately in the jewelry making arena, so i've been enjoying afternoons with my baby and the remote. why we pay for cable, i have NO idea. there is never anything interesting on, except for cooking shows, but for a post-partum mother, eating deep fried bananas doesn't really appeal to me, especially since i'm breastfeeding!

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