zen and the art of running.

today i slip into my new black running tights, throw on my adidas zip-up, and lace my Nikes for the first time this season.  i have some awesome songs on my blackberry and have stolen the husband's over-the-ear headphones (that never slip off my head).  the weather is fabulous - sunny, bright, warm(ish) - and i can't wait to feel the rays on my face.  i feel like i have been waiting to do this forever.

i head out, walk briskly for a bit before increasing my pace.  and i run.  i find my rhythm quite easily and it feels like i never stopped.  i follow the well worn path into the ravine behind our subdivision and revel in the fact that i am OUTSIDE in the SUN!  i don't worry about the mess that is my house.  i don't worry about long overdue case notes.  i don't worry about emails.  i am one with nature.  my mind and body are linked.  i am zen.

until about 3 minutes in.  my breath starts to burn in my chest and i kind of feel a little dizzy.  even my lips start to throb because the blood moving through my veins is pumping at a furious clip.  i am already hot and sweaty.  (definitely not in a GOOD way)  and i realize i have to slow down.  to a walk.  funny enough, my legs are willing, but my lungs are not.  i walk for a bit till i catch my breath and then run again.  but soon i realize i have to slow to a walk.

after 20 minutes of this run-walk-desperately try to catch my breath routine, i head for home.  sad that it feels like i am right back where i started when i first started running years ago, when i first got sick and was much heavier.  even knowing that i am lighter than before i had the baby is no consolation for the fact that i am in sad shape.  and it's not like anyone is necessarily paying attention to the fact that my muffin top is definitely squishy-ier, and that i have lost some muscle mass, but i am disappointed in the old body.  sigh.  5K feels VERY far away right now.